Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Wrapping Up & Starting Over...

Well, how do I start this post, over one month since my last one? It is not an easy thing to write down... not after I have read through all my previous enthusiastic posts here, not after what has happened. No matter how much time has passed. Or little. I guess that's a matter of interpretation, isn't it? Everybody is different, and after I was told 2 days after returning from our honeymoon that our baby has died at probably 5 weeks, I fell into a very deep hole.

I am not sure if I am entirely out of the hole yet, but certainly my hands are on the rim already. It's been very hard... nobody could tell me why I lost our baby, everybody told me that this is something that happens a lot, to many women, and it's usually natural causes. It was probably for the best. Probably. That knowledge doesn't help. Neither did the reactions of the people around me. I know they all meant well in their loss for something helpful to say, so they usually just stuck their feet into their mouths in their well meant attempts.

"Hey... don't think you lost a baby, it really was just a bunch of cells, m'kay?"

"Dear, don't be sad... there's always a next time, but if you get so depressed, it'll be bad for your next attempt..."

"Well, it happens to a lot of women. Try not to be too sad about it."

"Be glad it happened so early, I can't imagine you already had some emotional connection to your baby yet at this stage..."

I don't think I need to continue. It was all well meant. I know that. But all it did was to make me retreat into solitude for the whole month that followed my D&C. I did not want to see anybody outside my family, I did not want to go out, I did not want to talk on the phone. I had a week off of work on sick leave after the D&C, and a week after I went back to work and tried to live Life as Usual(tm) for about another week, I had a complete breakdown. I retreated completely into myself, relying only on Geo for emotional support. Geo has been great... he's been strong for both of us, for I needed him 100% to lean on. I felt extremely guilty, numb, hopeless... and he went to great lengths to alleviate most of these feelings. I think that he has suppressed his own process of grieving for the longest time in favor of supporting me, and - in all honesty - I still don't know much about how he's feeling up to this day, for all his shielding me from the burden of his own emotions on top of mine. His grieving process was a quiet one.

The D&C was a rather uncomplicated matter. I checked into the hospital at 7am on October 13th, the operation was performed around 9:30am, I woke up from full anesthesia about 20 minutes later, hooked to a bottle of painkillers dripping into my veins, and I was released around 5pm that very same day because I was physically not impaired at all. I was told things (i.e.: my cycle) should get back to normal within 4 to 6 weeks. I have a checkup with my gyn about a week from now, and was recommended I wait with trying again for about 2 to 3 months.

I have since done a LOT of research on the internet, and the overall tone is that at least 1 cycle should be gone through from a physical point of view - 2 to 3 is out of consideration for the grieving process of the woman, for this is "normally" how long a woman statistically needs to get over a miscarriage.

I am still waiting for my first period to set in. It's been almost 5 weeks since the D&C, and I have been feeling cramps for two days in a row now - usually a sign that Aunt Flo is on her way. In retrospect, I haven't had my period since late August... I can't say that I am upset about these few "free" months at all, this is really something I could get used to.

Recently, I have felt like I am getting a grip on Life as Usual(tm) again, and I have decided to keep writing in this journal, instead of deleting it. I want to remember my little baby, and the euphoria that its little presence has made me feel, not delete the records of it forever. To me, it was significantly more than "just a bunch of cells" I have lost - I have loved its presence from the second I definitely knew about it.

I also do believe that I did not lose the person that this baby would have become - just a potential physical shell. I do believe that this little soul is still out there, waiting for Geo and I to provide it with a functioning vessel to be born in.

This is why I have decided to keep this blog, afterall: to document our journey to this new moment of standing in the bathroom, breathlessly staring at this second pink line slowly appearing on this new stick.

Little Love... we are waiting for you with open arms.


Anonymous Sarah said...

Hey - I'm really glad you decided to share your story with us. I'm incredibly sorry to you and "Geo" for your loss. I don't think I know of any words that would console you in a time like this, I can only wish good thoughts for you guys that eventually when the time is "right" you are blessed with a beautiful baby.

They are truly amazing to raise and watching you and Geo with other peoples children, I know you will both make incredible parents.

Miss you both!

4:40 AM  
Anonymous Autumn said...


Can I link to you? I don't do MySpace, so I've missed your writing so damn much!

Anyhow - you know my feelings on pregnancy and babies and loss of pregnancies. You know how I am. Mkay?

That said, yes people only mean well. needed to mourn. Your baby is a little person who for whatever damn reason couldn't be with on this planet.

But again you know me, so you will understand when I say that your baby is with you. Want to know what sex she was?

You can remember this baby in whatever fashion makes you feel...whole. If not whole, then at peace to not be afraid.

Hope. It's a beautiful thing, A.

Your destiny is for me to send you a baby outfit.

*hugs* Jenny

6:16 AM  

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