Thursday, November 16, 2006

Utilizing Art...

Today I would like to share with you a piece of art that I have created during my mourning process, and which has - surprisingly enough - made dealing with it significantly easier:


(please go here for a complete reference of sources and copyright information)

If you know a little bit about my attempts of getting into Buddhism a while ago, you may understand this piece better. I am not religious, but the thought certainly helps.

It's more comforting than any other thought/idea/philosophy I have come across so far, and especially FIL's question a few weeks ago, while I was probably on my lowest yet:

"Have you thanked God, already?"

"Thank god, for what???" I exploded into Geo's face, when he retold his phone conversation with his father to me. "Well, for the surgery having gone well, I suppose...?" was his clueless and certainly innocent reply. I know that he got upset with his father's question too, but, ever the gentleman, he had responded to him with a simple and polite "no" instead of exploding the way I had done. I admire his gentleness a lot.

That question was bugging me a lot, and still is, when my mind drifts back to that day. Thank god? Okay! "Thanks, dude, for making my baby die inside my body and sending me to the hospital to have its earthly remains scraped out of the very organ that was supposed to be its shelter and save haven for 9 months! I guess I am glad that I woke up alright with stabbing pains in my abdomen and an empty soul, and was sent home into my personal hell the same day! That is really something to be grateful for!"

I do not believe in god, and up until the miscarriage I have considered myself a true athetist. Now I find myself taking comfort in entertaining thoughts of afterlife and rebirth and soul travel, and so I poured these thoughts into my piece. I felt relieved when it was done, I felt like I had created a lasting monument for my baby. I believe that its soul is out there, that it is not lost to the world, and that it will come back to me when the time is right. I am grateful that the D&C went well, and that I did not suffer any complications. I am grateful that I am very likely to be able to carry a baby to full-term next time. I am grateful that our marriage did not suffer irreparable damage from this trauma. I am grateful for the support I received when I needed it. But "thanking god"??? That's the most offensive thing in such a situation I have ever heard.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Autumn said...

I love it. Q...I have shivers. SHIVERS. Good shivers. That is beautiful.

Now I have tears. Thank you. That is so beautiful. Everything about it.

I'd love to buy a print. NOT A POSTER SIZE to hang in my living room, but something 8x10 for the hallway along with all the kids pics and misc religious totems nice art I have hanging there.

Think about it.

Shivers. GOOD shivers, like "wow...."

5:54 AM  
Anonymous Autumn said...

To continue...it embodies hope and sadness and meaning and darkness and light and the purity and feminity (not spell checking) of you so greatly.

It's really very splendid. Nevermind my previous comment about wanting a print of that. That is for you right now. But if you ever change your mind.

I'm not kidding. It's so.....moving.

5:58 AM  

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