Friday, December 15, 2006

Welcome, Auntie...

Babymaking is funny business. One needs no skills. No knowledge. No special talent. No education. No training. No money. No brains. Everybody can do it - and in fact: everybody does. It is truly the only one thing in life that's equal opportunity, independent of social standing, education, the job you have... you name it.

Some people do it even if they don't want to... or try not to. It's the most natural thing in the world, that's so potent that it sometimes even overrules the efforts made to keep it from happening.

Sometimes people in the worst possible situations do it, and get away with it. Some people do it, and then throw the results in a trash container, or drop it off at the next hospital and then leave, cause they want nothing to do with it. Some people give the result away to other people. Some people kill it on purpose before it has a chance to be born. Some people make more than they can handle. Even some children have done it.

So - it can't be so hard, can it? Sperm meets egg, end of story. Right? And when one, in an effort to "hit the day" has so much sex that egg simply has no other option than to meet sperm at some point, and still starts bleeding on day 28, it is very easy to question the justice in this world. Or rather: one's own functionality. Couldn't hold my first child... can't even grow another one with all the billions and billions of sperms to choose from? Am I picky, much? Am I releasing eggs at all? Do I still work, or did they break me in the hospital?

Of course, success was not to be expected right away. Even if it happened "right away" the first time around. My body is still healing. My mind is still healing. I will not get pregnant again until my body deems it okay again. As my doc said. Still, seeing the blood broke my heart all over again, even though I braced myself for it, and told myself not to expect anything else. Even though I told myself not to look at other women with children and ask myself what's the difference between them and I. Even though I told myself not to get pissed off about that girl that got knocked up by a guy from another country, who already has a baby with another woman, and all that after she already had 2 or 3 abortions done before. Where's the fairness in that?

I guess I should look forward to another month of "trying". I shouldn't fret and frown because the first conscious try was a failure. Others try for years without success. Not just one month.

Good thing I have some of those extreme pain killers left over from last month. I think all those years of pain- and troublefree periods are now coming back and hitting me all at once to make up for all the fun they apparently missed out on the first time around. According to my sister, the nurse, those pain killers are about the strongest on the market. I took one a few hours ago in the morning, and after a brief relief again I am having troubles even sitting up straight. Looking very much forward to my one-and-a-half hour drive to that printing company I have to supervise in a production today until late at night, with my male colleague. Thank you, D&C, for that monthly pleasure.

Saturday, December 09, 2006


I am not feeling good at all. Not so much physically, but in my own head. I promised myself not to stress over the results once we start trying again, but I find that this was much easier said than done. There is nothing else in my head, and I find that the harder I try to ban these thoughts of being pregnant again, the more I am obsessing over it.

Every teeny weeny thing turns into a SIGN OF EARLY PREGNANCY(tm): my skin is breaking out more than usual. I am extremely tired. I am moody beyond all realms of the endurable. I spent the larger part of yesterday in a state of extreme dizzy light-headedness coupled with no desire for any kind of food.

Last time my skin was breaking out more than usual. I was extremely tired. I was light-headed and saw little twinkling stars before my eyes whenever I got up too fast. I didn't want to eat almost anything.

I was NOT moody. I was happy and content even before I knew I was pregnant. May have had to do with the fact that I was on honeymoon? I was horny beyond all belief. I am NOT horny - or even close to - right now. I DO feel like scratching Geo's eyes out if he comes within a 1 meter radius of me. My boobs were huge and sore - and right now they are their usual limp tiny selves.

Parallels, imaginary or otherwise, do not in any way outweigh differences. The mind is a powerful thing, I am afraid. I am also afraid that I will cry bitter tears of disappointment if Aunt Flo knocks on my door in about a week, despite better knowledge. And above all: I am angry with myself for being the way I am right now, especially knowing how it would be too soon to even feel anything YET. Last time it took a bit longer for me to suspect anything might be out of the ordinary, past the first few days of my skipped period.

There are other explanations, of course: my skin breaks out because of the seasonal increased intake of chocolates. I am tired because work is extremely exhausting these days. I am perma-angry with Geo cause for a big part he's acting like a jerk, lately. I was light-headed because I didn't drink enough that day. I had no desire for food at night, because for lunch my grandmother stuffed us with her delicious cooking.


I didn't think that purposeful trying would be this mentally excruciating - and it's only my FIRST cycle of doing this. :(

Thursday, December 07, 2006


I guess if the mind wants to see signs and symptoms, the body will aim to please and produce them.

A wee few days after ovulation (- if I even did ovulate, which there is no guarantee for after a miscarriage), I woke up this morning feeling highly sick, contemplating hugging my toilet for a bit.

I haven't eaten anything bad, and I am not otherwise sick in any way. Of course my mind goes immediately: "You are pregnant!"
Nevermind the fact that with my last pregnancy I did not feel sick one single time, and I therefore should not attribute a random morning sickness as anything but - hey, morning sickness!

Was it not me who had to call in sick at least once or twice a month a few years ago, for waking up and throwing up all over the place for no apparent reason, for months on end? Was it not me who went from one doc to the next to have this checked out, had cancer ruled out, but otherwise had no conclusive result on anything? Is it not within the realms of normalcy for me to throw up randomly at any given point in time, but mostly mornings, far off all possibilities of growing a baby inside?

Why, yes. I am the Queen of random throw-ups and spells of sickness for no apparent reason.

That's part of my astonishment over my last pregnancy, when I expected projectile vomit every morning that never came. Constant extreme tiredness? Check. Constant blacking out upon rising after sitting or laying for a while? Check. Touch my boobs and I will violently scratch your eyes out in pain? CHECK!

This morning sickness means NOTHING. My current constant extreme tiredness means that I work too much, and need another vacation.

That's all.

That's not to say that I am anxious to see whether or not I'll bleed again sometime in the next days. I'd be disappointed a bit, but not too much. I am resolved to letting nature run its course. And no, I will not use the ol' "knock me up so I can go on maternity leave and don't have to work anymore" tirade, which already tickled Geo the wrong way upon my 17th repetition in about a week. Though - it is a concern. :(

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Family Bonds

Today, Geo and I had the very big pleasure to be part of my cousin Bern's engagement to his girlfriend of two years, Bee.

This was very exciting for many reasons:

a) my cousin and I went to high school together, him one year above me. We were really close back then, to the point that some mistook us for brother and sister rather than cousins. I admired my cousin beyond anybody else, tried to copy him as much as I could, and never succeeded - for he was just the epitome of coolness, and I was the epitome of a pimply nerd teenager who never was invited to the in-parties. He got me into learning to play the guitar some 13 years ago - simply because he's done it first, and I just had to copy everything he did. Which I am quite thankful for, because not only did my first heartbroken crush on a teacher stem from this, but also the glorious year of 2004, which marked my success with my band Vudu Iguana in Los Angeles, where I rocked on the bass (- and probably would have gotten a record contract, wouldn't I have decided to leave and go back home, meh.)

b) after he graduated, one year before me, we lost touch completely. Family meetings weren't exactly plentiful, and when we did see each other about once a year around Christmas, we were awkward with each other to the point that I did not even dare talk to His Cousinness at all, for all his being so cool and grown up and moving around in higher spheres which were beyond the realms of my imagination. All this - also because of my 3 1/2 years absence while studying in LA - lead to a whole decade of not speaking to each other more than 3 sentences total, and that's including "Hi." and "Bye."

c) after returning from LA with Geo, I suddenly received a phone call - the first phone call from him in my entire life - and about an hour and a half later we had a "date" for dinner with our respective significant others to "catch up", and ever since then, as if nothing had ever happened, our friendship and closeness snapped suddenly back into place with an audible *click*.

Now he's calling me out of nowhere just to chat, we are going out all four together on a quite regular basis, even signed up for ballroom dance lessons together. I really like his now-fiancée, and she really seems to like me too, and that helped our friendship along greatly as well.

Considering all this, naturally I was floored when he called me up some 2 or 3 months ago, to tell us to mark today in our calendars, for today is Bee's birthday, and was also to be the day he would ask her to be his wife. He said to me on the phone: "You know... I want to celebrate this together with our closest and dearest friends, that's why I want you two there with us."

I floated on a cloud for the rest of the day afterwards. :)

And to top it all off, out of all the people present tonight I was personally appointed their photographer, and was allowed a front-seat view of his proposal - hidden behind trees and bushes on the torch-lit pathway that led up to the pedestal of the ring in the forest next to the medieval castle where the party took place afterwards - witnessing the very beginning of their "official" life together.

Why am I mentioning this so very lengthy here?

Bee and Bernie are planning a baby of their own - just as we are. And from day one since we let each other in on our respective plans, Bee and I have been speculating about "trying around the same time", to "be pregnant at the same time", and "drive our men crazy together"... not to mention our children being around the same age, growing up together.

We are trying already - they will be starting to around this summer or fall. Ideally, our kids will be one pregnancy apart in age. Since my own sister currently swears to never ever procreate, with the full backing of my brother in law, Bernie and Bee's kids will be the closest cousins our own children will have, the closest nieces/nephews I will ever have. It is a wonderful thing to look forward to, and even greater to have the feeling that the two of them feel just the same way about our kids.

There is nothing greater than to find dear friends within the bounds of one's very own family. :)