Sunday, November 19, 2006

"It suits you well..."

Yesterday in a break between our fistball-games, while keeping my friend's 9-month-old on my lap to watch her while she went to the bathroom, an acquaintance walked by. Seeing me rocking the baby and playing with her, he put on a grin and said: "Looking at this, I must say... a baby suits you really well! How 'bout it?"

So, yeah. How could he have known. It's not like I am walking around with a sign around my neck that says "JUST LOST BABY. NO BABY REFERENCES IN A RADIUS OF 5 KILOMETERS, PLEASE." But dayamn... OUCH. I just got done getting over the fact that another friend from my team had just announced - about an hour prior to this - that she is expecting her second baby in June (the same time my Little One would have been born), and now I had to fake a smile, and... what? Nod? I guess that's what I did. Along with some kind of inarticulate noise that could have been anything from "yeah... you think so? thanks!" to "fuck off asshole, can't you see I am suffering???".

Yesterday was the first time I went back into "public", that is: I put myself back into a social situation that involved more friends and acquaintances than the few from the innermost circle which I have allowed close in the past month. Most of which I have last seen at our wedding. There were people that knew about what happened, and more that didn't. Some of whom I told there, and a lot with whom I executed happy-happy superficial small-talk with. It felt alright, and that feels good. I could hold and play with my friend's 9-month-old, the first baby I was faced with since, and it didn't throw me right back into my hole, as I had feared and kind of expected it would.

I have also, 5 weeks after the D&C, gotten my period again. Two days ago. 4 painkillers did do exactly nothing to ease the pain and the cramps, and for the first time in my life I understood that women who complain and claim to be suffering during their periods, are not necessarily the pussies I always accused them of being. I have never experienced anything like this before: the pain drew tears into my eyes, I was unable to walk, or sit, or stand up straight. Thankfully it's easier today... but I sincerely hope that the miscarriage and/or D&C hasn't pulled my ovaries over to the dark side now permanently. My mother had the comforting statement to offer that "once you gave birth" it'll be all back to normal again.

Oy vey.

At any rate - despite all the suffering I am going through now, I am very glad that AF came back all by itself, and on time too. It's a good sign that things in my body have returned back to normal, and I most likely ovulated again 2 weeks or so ago. Next Thursday is my checkup with my Gyn, and if I get his okay, we'll definitely get back to "trying" again very soon. It's a very exciting thought to say the least. :)


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