Sunday, February 25, 2007

more upsetting news

Today I learned that my cousin's wife (yet another cousin) is currently in the hospital: for a D&C at 6 weeks pregnant. Just one week further along than I am.

They already have a child, a 1 year old daughter. Though of course this doesn't lessen the tragedy. Only a few weeks ago, when we were talking about my miscarriage, she was being really sweet, reassuring me that soon it'll all work out for me, and I will soon be able to hold my baby in my arms.

What's with all these miscarriages? I have never realized this, realized how many women around me have suffered from this, or are suffering it, how common it really is. I guess the doctor performing my D&C wasn't kidding when she told me about the statistics.

I feel really sorry for my cousin and his wife... and it lets my worries about my own baby flare up even stronger. Again it goes to show that life just "doesn't happen", that it's not a sure thing just because a woman finds herself pregnant.

My next ultrasound is on Thursday. I wish I could make time pass faster, so I can see my baby again, and hear the doctor say that everything is looking good so far. I am feeling fine, better than last time, but I am constantly aware of my belly, I am constantly feeling "something"... a pulling sensation, something I cannot really define. I hope that it's just in my head, and if it isn't that it doesn't mean any harm for my baby. My previous miscarriage overshadows any innocent enthusiasm that I might otherwise feel about this pregnancy, and worries predominate. I wish it wouldn't be this way, and that I could simply be happy about the little alien inside of me, and nothing else.

I think once I see its little heart beating, I will feel a bit more at ease, for this would be further than my first baby ever came. Two more weeks, and we should see the little fluttering of life.

I wish with all my might, that I won't suffer the same fate I did before again, the same one my poor cousin's wife is going through right now. I wish all the best for her, and that her daughter will manage to distract her enough in the upcoming days and weeks that she won't find herself deep down on the bottom of the same hole I was sitting in.


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