Tuesday, February 13, 2007

cycle update...

Well, still 5 days to go until AF pays me another visit. Or so claims the BBT charting software on wunschkinder.net, at least. Today marks Day 25 of this cycle, and also my highest temperature yet. If tomorrow's temperature will continue to be this high, I will feel inclined to get a little prematurely excited over having a triphasic cycle, while it's probably just an anomaly. Besides, I am doing this for the first time, so I have no previous data to compare this to and decide whether it's normal or not.

Oh, a triphasic cycle? Some say it's a pretty good indicator of pregnancy, others say it's just an indicator of a slightly higher probability of pregnancy, and some say it's nothing but another progesterone rise after ovulation and has no other meaning.

At any rate, the girls over at the cycle boards keep on saying how beeee-ooootiful my BBT curve is, and I don't really like that, because it puts me into "hibbling" mode, and I promised myself not to do that this time. ("hibbeln" is the German internet lingo for the state of craziness a woman in the second half of her cycle is in, when she has reason to suspect or hope that she may be pregnant, and therefore plasters discussion boards with copies of her BBT chart, detailed elaborations of her cervical mucus and/or spotting, the position and consistency of her cervix, as well as various real and/or imagined symptoms of early pregnancy, usually gathering a group of co-hibblers around her for support and eventually to pat her on the head with sympathy should it turn out that AF decide to pay a visit afterall and all excitement was for naught.)

So yeah, I decided not to "hibble" this time. I "hibbled" two months ago when I thought I felt exactly like I did with my first pregnancy - extreme fatigue, dizzyness, sore breasts and all, and I "hibbled" again last month when AF missed her appointment with me and showed up 10 days late. Both times I felt fairly certain that I had a bun in the oven, and both times I was proven wrong. This month I feel nothing at all: my breasts are perfectly fine, my fatigue's only reason is my stupefyingly dull job, I don't feel dizzy unless my husband drops his pants in front of me. I got reasonably turned off to the concept of "child", because I realized to my own shame that it is a baby I want, but certainly not a child, or - god forbid - a teenager, and responsibility was never really my thing, either. I read some birth-reports from women, and I was busy reading a pregnancy board where women complained about all these pains and pressures and tight feelings and overall discomforts that happened upon them during the last trimester of their childgrowing, and I decided that pregnancy may not be this all romantic awe-inducing witnessing of a miracle that warrants me 9 months of special treatment and spoiling, afterall. Who knew - you mean labor is no FUN??????

So, nu-huh. Not this month. I haven't signed this contract yet, I would like some more time to read the small print over before I commit to anything concerning the rest of my pretty cool and independent life. Got it? I am still YOUNG and FUN, "mom" doesn't suit me so well in comparison to all the other names I am being called sometimes.

Yet there is this damned chart with it's potential third phase, and all these girls ooing and aaing over how promising this all looks, and I can't help but get all positively excited all over again. Shoving the thermometer into my mouth as soon as the alarm goes off as if my life depended on it. Posting my BBT chart all over the place, pinching my breasts to see if it hurts (*duh*).

Damn my exctiteability. I should throw away my thermometer, and while I am at it, probably the internet along with it.

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