Tuesday, February 13, 2007

closure

Remember this post?

I haven't talked about it much more because, even though it bothered me a lot and has weighed on my mind heavily as long as the e-mail conversation between me and this "person" has been going on, I now think that any further explanation or more digging in these memories than necessary is a waste of my precious time - and nerves.

I guess it can be summed up with one simple sentence: people never change.

And even though I am not one to send evil e-mails without leaving myself an opportunity for explanation or even an apology later, I am very proud of my final e-mail to him. Usually when I have something not-nice to say to someone I induldge myself by writing it down and reading it through a few times without hitting the send button, and then going over it again to take some of the sting and spite off of it before finally mailing it off. I have sent a few too many e-mails in my life which I have regretted the second I hit the send button, or felt stupider and stupider about the more I thought about them - felt ashamed for them, really. I have toned it down a lot since... but in this particular instance I sat before my words for a while, kept reading them over and over, asking myself "Can you really justify sending this, no matter what this person has done to you?", waiting for the little nagging voice in my head telling me that I will feel like an idiot and wish I could make it undone once it's gone. I was looking for ways to gentler describe what I was trying to say, to listen to a quiet warning to be the "grander person" here, to "just let it go".

I listened really hard. The voice was silent, almost triumphantly so. I tried to take the sting off my words in several differnt ways still, but always went back to the original, that seemed to have been dictated to me by true intuition. I thought about it, mulled it over, and came to the conclusion that the following really was the only combination of letters and syllables that make sense here, that are meant to be, that are part of the ever turning wheel of karma, and that no matter what I will never backtrack on them, or feel ashamed to have hit the send button. And if, by chance, tomorrow I'll get the news of his death, or next week, or next year, I will laugh and smile all day, reveling in the thought I got to say what I needed to say just before it was too late and I would have to live with it for the rest of my life without closure.

...yeah, I didn't think so. people never change. it was all just the same record you played before, only in a slightly different tune this time. too bad I am an atheist - otherwise I could express to you how much I hope you'll rot in hell soon. but I am sure karma will get you one way or another, and that thought puts a huge happy grin on my face. :)

bye!

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