Thursday, September 06, 2007

Fear creeping in...

There was a time, some months ago, where I surfed the internet in search for the most graphic and vivid birth videos I could possibly find. I watched them all, highly interested, soaking up everything I saw like a sponge, learning, learning. Re-watching them. Highly fascinated. Thirsting for more. Information! Preparation!

I minded none of it. I watched a quite frontal video, a nurse grabbing for a mean looking pair of scissors, sticking one end of it into the woman's vagina, and then cutting briskly through her perineum, and a gush of dark blood spilling all over the sterile covers beneath. I was all... ugh, not too pretty. Then I watched it again, looking even closer.

I gotta know what it actually looks like when they say "we're gonna cut your perineum now", right?

And not only was I watching these videos, I was also bragging about watching them. What's the big deal about all this giving-birth-stuff? Those videos don't scare me! Many women have done it before, and even came back for more! I'll show all those naysayers how easy birth can be, because I am not scared, I am looking FORWARD to it! I won't need medication, either... and my perineum will be so well-prepared with wheat-oil, that those big ugly scissors will not even come close to my body! It's all about attitude! Positivity! Relaxation! Ha!

Ha, indeed.

Whatever happened to my positive attitude now, I wonder? The closer my due date approaches the more nervous I am getting... scared, maybe? I cannot watch movies anymore, heck, I can't even read the "What to expect when you're expecting" chapter on birth anymore. After being shown a birth video in birth prep class today I turned a nice pale shade of green in my face, and the formerly horrifying thought of an epidural suddenly sounds quite appealing. Before I was all like the pain of labor can't be bad enough to justify a needle being stuck into my backbone... and now I'm like what's a small prick in my back that people say really isn't so bad in comparison to the pain that probably awaits me?

What happened, on what part of the way did I lose my positive attitude, and when did I allow fear to creep in? Is it my continuously expanding belly, and the thought of how in the world is this supposed to come out of there - something I haven't had to worry about before that belly started growing?

The prospect of birth now makes me rather nervous, when I was always set on keeping my positive outlook on things.

Is this normal considering the far progress of my pregnancy? I very much want for this birth to be a positive experience, and a big part of that is my personal attitude about it, which I can't seem to quite control anymore the more time passes... :(


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