Saturday, March 31, 2007

call me flatliner...

Well, I finally got what I so desperately wanted and needed: a week off of work - sick leave, as certified by my general practitioner. Though, a bit worried I am: it's my blood pressure. As we all know, hypotonia ain't anything even close to resembling a sickness, but thanks to Google I now know that hypotonia in pregnant women can cause serious risks to the baby, should the placenta not get blood in sufficient quantities.

Whoopty-doo. Every morning when I measure my blood pressure now it comes out to between 90-120/40-50... the systolic value of which is okay, but the diastolic is WAY too low. This morning I had 99/41, even. You could also call this "half dead" by all standards of medicine. No wonder I am having a hard time staying awake for more than 30 minutes and staying focused on anything for more than 30 seconds. I have been staying home since Thursday, and those past two days have been a real breather for me: being able to tackle things at my own pace, being able to rest whenever I felt the need to, and not having to sit on my ass and focus on something work-related for 8 hours straight, when I can't even focus on the question whether or not I am actually awake to any sufficient answer most of the time.

I know it must sound ridiculous, complaining like I do over a mere office job. But aside from the fact that I have been hating this job for the better part of the entire last year already, I am really incapable of being productive anymore. What was the best distraction from the horrible daily production-routine before - creative intermezzos - are now my worst nightmare. Hello, all my creativity is currently bundled up in my uterus - talk about being creative in the most literal sense, there is nothing much left in the brain department for such notions anymore. Currently I am happiest at work when I get the idiot chores to do, those that don't require any resemblance of thought or creative spark, where I can just labor off my time without being too involved in anything. I am just too tired and exhausted to do much else, and the highlight of my day is when I open the door to our apartment after work, drop my shoes and jacket, and can fall headfirst into my bed or onto the couch and stay there for the rest of the day.

Yeah, I blame it all on my non-existent blood pressure. Most of it, anyway. I will take my notes with me to the gyn on Wednesday, seeing if he has anything to say about that. Fact is, I have never felt better and more at ease since I am pregnant than I did in the last couple of days. Less tired, less exhausted, less braindead. More in tune with myself, when I can listen to what my body is telling me to do. Seeing to it that I rest when it asks for it makes me much more productive during the rest of the day and percentually more awake than if I force myself to sit tight and focus during "office hours", ignoring the needs of my body for my paycheck. That's not how I want to spend my pregnancy, and I'll see how my doctor can be my friend and help me - if at all. There's a reason why I now live in Austria instead of the US anymore... and I mean to take advantage of all the advantages we get here.

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