Tuesday, April 03, 2007

back to hell on thursday :(

Oh, those last days have been such a blessing. I didn't realize just how badly work is treating my pregnant body until I was able to spend some days at home, moving and working at my body's whim instead of the office's. My blood pressure hasn't really improved either, it's actually jumping around: one day it's extremely low - the next it's up so high that one might think I just got done with one hour of step-aerobic: and I measure right before I get out of bed.

I don't know how much of this is considered normal, but question goes right on my long list of things to ask my gyn tomorrow, along with the question of can you pleeeeeeeeease find a reason to make me stay home from work for the rest of this pregnancy altogether?

No, I am not a wuss. I am also not lazy. I just HATE my job, and it'll be even harder getting back to it after this blissful week at home. You have no idea how hard it is to be forced to do something, even put effort and brains into something, that you hate more than you ever thought you could hate anything - including your third grade nemesis. Being there alone with my boss all day, listening to his constant yap-yap-yapping about things only marginally related to my job there and about as interesting to me as the question whether or not a rice bag tipped over somewhere in the depths of China, and having to fake genuine interest and compassion for his gut-wrenching problem of whether to fly to Bali or to Thailand for 2 weeks while leaving me along with a 400-pager production sans overtime just makes my days there that much sweeter.

Do you know people that think out loud? People that are torn between two solutions of a problem, and think it through out loud? And you have to sit there and listen to their inner monologue and nod and make "uh-huh" noises when they reach a good point, and try not to roll your eyes when they drop that point in favor of another - back and forth and forth and back - and every question he asks himself is a question that feels like you need to answer it for him or your job might be on the line? Yeah? Well, he's such a person. And none of those questions are in any way relevant to what I have to do there, whoopty-do. Not even putting the earphones of my iPod on to "drop the hint" make any difference - he keeps on interrupting me with his questions so I constantly have to turn off the music, make an "uh-huh" noise, turn in back on, rinse and repeat 30 seconds later.

Ha! I can't even get dooced for this entry, considering I am protected by my little baby growing inside of me!

Faking interest - in not only my job, but also the affairs of my boss - is one of the worst thing anybody can be forced to do for the survival of one's family. To sit there and pretend that I find it entertaining and interesting to produce travel catalogs. To sit there and pretend that I find it a challenging addition to my life to create ads for travel agencies in newspapers. To sit there and pretend that - whoopty-do - we get to be creative and recreate the layout of said catalogs, what a welcome break to the usual fun stuff! Yay! I didn't like my job from day ONE. I never had any real interest in ANY of the products I had to create there. Not a single one. I have no personal interest in travel agencies or their offers, for I am allergic to cookie-cutter we-do-everything-for-you-just-get-on-the-plane-then-we'll-herd-you-around type tourists, or those that spend two weeks lounging on the pool of their hotel in a faraway country and then claim that they have "seen the country" because they rode once around the parking lot on the back of the decorated elefant that was brought there by the travel agency for some "indigenous feeling" before that evening's "traditional show" in the hotel lobby.

So yeah, I never liked my job or the things I do there, but it was a necessity for me to do it for the survival of my family. It was my responsibility to keep the roof over our heads and to put food on our plates, so I pretty much just did my duty for the past year and a half, like a robot, forgetting that work could actually be fun (or at least okay) if given the right job, or even that I could have choices if I'd only try hard enough. I did what I had to - but now that I am pregnant, now that Geo has a decent paying job of his own, that necessity has fallen away, and got replaced with a more basic need, a more human need: I want to be there for my family, not provide for it.

Excuse me, modern society, but I am NOT a power-hungry career-driven vamp. What a statement in our modern times, ain't it?

And speaking of family. Tomorrow we'll go in for our next ultrasound. We - the baby and I, that is. Geo's working at his new job since yesterday. I am hugely proud of him. :) He knows this guy, this Mexican with an Austrian(!) academic degree, who didn't find a job for three(!) years, because of "language issues". Yeah, Austria isn't exactly the most foreigner-friendly country out there. Geo can be immensely proud of landing this gig, a qualified well-paid job with the opportunity to move ahead. And already he is head of the graphics department. :)

Anyway... ultrasound tomorrow. I am looking so very forward to seeing our little one again, and to see how much it has grown in the last month. I am also a bit scared... nervous, afraid that something might not be the way it should be... but I think such notions are normal. Tomorrow I think will be the first "real" examination, including weighing and measuring. I have a plethora of things I need to ask him, half of those I already meant to ask last time, but when I saw the baby's beating heart I was so excited and happy that all these questions were wiped off my brain - along with just about everything else other than that flutter of the heart. This time I'll bring a written list, so nothing'll slip my attention this time. :)

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