Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hanging in there...

I went to see little Lee yesterday in the hospital. I have to admit, she is only the second newborn I have ever actually seen face to face (- and I don't quite remember just how tiny the first one was, since I have seen her grow over the past 2 years, and my mind simply cannot reach back and make the connection to her then-size anymore when I see her run around these days), and now that I have one just like it inside my belly gearing to come out into the world, the reality of her really hit me quite hard. Her tininess. Her wrinkly teeny-weenie fingers. That unfocused newborn-look when she opened her eyes a couple of times. That incredibly cute toothless and heart-melting yawn, the little newborn noises she was making.

I was marveling at her presence, while I was thinking back on when I met A. in real life for the first time, with her medium sized bump about 30 or 31 weeks along. I was trying to wrap my mind around the fact that A. and I have been chatting and talking all throughout our pregnancies, comparing pictures of our bellies, seeing which one of us was "showing" first, and swapping ultrasound pictures of little alien-looking creatures.

Now her alien-looking creature is a real human being, tiny but oh-so-very-real, sleeping in her mommy A.'s arms. What I find most incredible is that in reality, my baby currently doesn't look much different from hers - not much at all - only that it's still inside of me, while hers isn't anymore. It's something really hard to imagine, when I feel the strong and hard kicks against my ribs and watch the little bumps moving all over my belly. I rationally know that there is a perfect little human being like little Lee inside of me, but at the same time it is one of the toughest things to imagine - almost impossible. How it lays curled up and squished in there, how it really is my baby's foot that I can see moving from the outside, how it already has a distinct eye color, and hair color - how it already *IS*... without me knowing anything about it but how strongly it can kick my sides.

All throughout our pregnancies A. and I were alike, going through the same things, having an equally easy pregnancy, having similar worries and fears, the same anticipation and wonder about giving birth - and now all of a sudden she is so far ahead of me, knowing what it actually means to give birth, what it's like to nurse her baby, heck, what her little girl looks like.

I still don't even know if there will be a boy or a girl coming out of me soon...

It's the impatience that's really making this hard on me now, and I promised myself not to be impatient. I didn't think this was going to be so close to impossible.

I went to acupuncture again today in the hospital. Today I saw three girls I know from gym class and from acupuncture, wheeling around their babies on the hallway of the gyn wing of the hospital.

It was a different doctor again today doing the acupuncture, with different methods than the other two who have attended to us so far. She set the needles at different spots for each woman, depending on her current ailments and issues, unlike the other two, who have set the needles at the same spots for every woman - endorphine inducing spots, cervix-softening spots, and for those really close to her due date also labor-inducing spots. I was really hoping for the latter today, yet I only got two needles this time, for a general "harmonious" labor. I wasn't too happy, especially since those needles didn't seem to have any immediate effect at all. I wanted the big suckers into my pinky toes that would set off labor!

Ah, I think I mentioned here once or twice that I am not exactly the most patient person on earth, lol.

I wish I at least would have some kind of sign at all, that would indicate that I am nearing the end of this pregnancy, that things are at least starting to happen. Half of the time I can't even tell a practice-contraction from a particularly powerful movement of the baby, which is incredibly frustrating. I have no way of telling if my cervix is already dilated in any way... and there are no other telltale signs like a bloody show, or my dislodged mucous plug.

It's incredibly frustrating, especially when combined with the daily phone calls of: "I just wanted to know how you two are doing.", or "Hello - are you having your baby yet?"

The worst are being those who KNOW how incredibly annoying those questions are to me, yet do it anyway, because they somehow seem to think that by doing so anyway they are somehow funny, or especially witty, or original. Oh, but then I get attitude from them when I snap at them and tell them not to ask me such questions. Then it's suddenly ME who is the unfriendly one, and don't I see that they are just well-meaning and caring for me, how can I show so much attitude in return???

"Hey, everybody else I am sure is indeed annoying you - but *I* am genuinely caring! *I* am different from everybody else! Don't give *me* your attitude, save that for everybody else!"

Yes, you are different. Absolutely. And so is everybody else. *rolls eyes*

And I haven't even reached my due date yet. I don't want to know what's going to happen once I go over it - if i do - what else is there for me but to simply turn off my phone altogether?

So I go to bed every night, hoping that I would be woken up by a gush of amniotic fluid, or maybe a particularly strong contraction that is being followed by another one only a few minutes later, and then another one, and then another - but so far it's been just wishful thinking.

Yet I am so very torn between wanting to meet my baby already, and actually being glad that it's still where it is, that all those changes in life haven't happened yet, that I can still sleep whenever I want to, and can still do pretty much whatever I want to, still don't have all this responsibility over a completely helpless human being, can still enjoy the last days of this amazing pregnancy, and all the spoiling and caring that comes with it.

Maybe I need to lose these ambiguous feelings first, before my body can truly let go of this little human being?


Blogger imagoii said...

oh oh .. we are so in the same place! There is part of me that is glad that the baby is camped out - finishing up all those last little things to be ready for this outside world ... and there is the part of me that wants this baby in my arms - NOW!
And there is NO way that anyone other than hubby and I could care/want more to have our baby in our arms ... yet everyone else thinks that their wants and desires are more important than leaving us alone! Never thinking about how their off hand comments might make us feel! And heaven forbid we not answer our phones! (sometimes we're really just at lunch)
So, know that I'm with you - and I can't wait for you and Geo to have your baby in your arms as well ... and then we'll all have to deal with a different type of pestering! LOL (warm wishes and crossed fingers and toes for a soon and happy birth!)

11:55 PM  

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