Monday, January 08, 2007

the blue line...

One of the most unforgettable moments of my life certainly was when I stood in the bathroom of our hotel room in Puerto Angel, MX, with a pee-wet pregnancy test in my hand, not particulary caring that I was so shaky and nervous that the the stick wasn't exactly the only thing wet with pee, and counting the seconds until the stick confirmed pink on white what I had been suspecting for a few days already.

It was an exciting, wonderful, and extremely world-shifting moment - one of those where you seem to register every little detail around you without paying any attention at all, and time slowing down to a mellow stroll through honey. It was most private, just me and that stick, with my new husband pretending to be asleep outside in the bed, and really being just as awake - if less nervous - as I was. And this new reality crashing down on me with the full force of the undeniable magenta of that second line boldly staring up at me, changing me so fundamentally and throwing my entire life onto a new track so irrevocably.

It was so beautiful, I like to think back at it from time to time... and then the inevitable wondering comes again, wondering when I'll see such a line for the next time.

Well, last night it was time again. Last night that line materialized again, blue this time, instead of pink, and just as bold and unmistakable, and life-altering. Maybe even more so than last time, because maybe this time I would actually be able to keep my baby. I looked up from the stick which excitement and gratitude, to find myself inside a bathroom I had never seen before. It was dark and damp and dull, making the second blue line shine out even brighter and obvious than it should have been. In fact, it was the only bright spot in my surroundings at all, so I left... ran out... waving the stick in my hand - and crashed into my husband who was just outside. I panted, looked up at him, smiled... and showed him the content of my hand. His reaction, then - so beautiful, so loving... his eyes filled with tears and his face shone with the most loving and relieved smile I have ever seen on him, and he put his palm gently to the side of my face and the scooped me up in a crying/laughing embrace, turning me round and round and round...

...oh, how I wished the alarm bell had never rang at that exact moment. How I wished I wouldn't have to get back to Real Life(tm), on a Monday morning, starting the tedious and annoying routine of the week all over again. How I wished that I would wake up, like I did only a few months ago, with a smile on my face, and my hand wandering down to my belly, hardly able to believe the miracle happening inside of me. Alas... it wasn't so. Just another Monday morning. Just another day of waiting to see if my period was going to come or not.

Just another dream.

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