Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Day 34 - A Glimmer of Hope

Well, despite my negative test result on Sunday, Geo now seems to be certain that I am growing a lil' Booger again.

I would laugh at his foolishness, wouldn't it be for how I almost fainted last night in ballroom dance class after a few steps, and how every time I move my head faster than a sloth, it starts spinning in a wild rollercoaster ride.

However, the vehement lack of boobage-pains as I experienced them last time, not to mention the NEGATIVE TEST RESULT, make me assume that this period is just a fluke, something that still results from the D&C and the hormonal wreckage that my misscarriage caused my body.

At any rate, I will call for a doctor's appointment today. Knowing the popularity of my doc, I know it will be at least a week or more like two or three before I can see him, so I can quietly keep on freaking out until then, or - should my period decide to show up afterall - I can still cancel it later.

I will get another test, but will leave it inside the cabinet until *checks calendar* the 24th, which would make me 2 weeks late. I will not test again before that, no matter how much annoyance I will cause my beloved husband with my constant whining and questioning my uterus and the world at large.

If only it wasn't for the miscarriage, I would actually enjoy this time of not-knowing and waiting-to-find-out. I wouldn't pay so much heed to every little out-of-the-ordinary feeling my body sends to my brain, and wonder if it's caused by a new pile o'cells inside of me, and if so - if it's anything potentially dangerous or life-threatening to it.

I can tell you one thing - a miscarriage takes all the fun and innocence out of this baby-making business.

For the meantime, and just to be on the safe side, I am acting as if I was indeed pregnant, starting from ditching the caffeine in my daily coffee and ending with skipping my evening glass of red wine. Who knows, right?

And for that matter, I would like to mention that my friend, who had gotten pregnant around the same time I did, has lost her baby at five months pregnant, one day before New Year's Eve. She had suffered an early miscarriage before, worked about a year to get pregnant again - and was finally listening to her five month old fetus' heartbeat in the hospital, until her contractions started and she suffered a stillbirth. How this made me feel I cannot even put in words. My baby would have been roughly the same age by now. To be pregnant for such a long time and then STILL lose it, and that AFTER you've already suffered a miscarriage before, the thought alone wrenched my guts. I cannot even imagine what my friend must be going through right now.

And all this just goes to show that nothing in this life is ever a sure thing, or a done deal, no matter how much the odds are actually FOR you. Life doesn't "just happen", at least not to everybody. My thoughts go out to my friend and her stillborn son, to my own angel baby, and the potential inside my own belly right now. Even if it's nothing but a fluke period, it can never hurt to change my lifestyle to accomodate my future baby as well as I can - even if it'll be another while until I can finally welcome it inside of me.

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